Happy Birthday Sweet Audrey Girl

I have become entranced by this blog recently. The author is Angie Smith and the story starts with her 20 week ultra sound and the news that her baby will not live once she is born due to two fatal problems. I always feel a kinship with women who have lost a baby as I have lost two.

The second baby we lost was at 17 weeks and I was not sure I would recover from that loss ever. Our baby had some sort of heart problem but we never knew what. I know that I will see them someday and I secretly (or now not so secretly) I hope they are girls! If not, I will officially have that basketball team G has always dreamed of. Even though the last loss was 8 years ago this past March, it still hurts now and again. The regret of being too stubborn to find out what gender the baby was since we never did that with other babies is still with me.

Back to Angie...I have learned so much through her writing and I feel like she helped me understand or at least see in a different light the loss of a child. Even if you haven't lost a child I think her blog will touch you in some way. So today on her Audrey's 1st birthday, please honor Audrey by reading a little of Angie's blog and watching this video. Audrey was never supposed to take a breath but she lived for a little over 2 1/2 hours. A Kleenex warning definitely comes with this...


Sweet Audrey-Girl from angie smith on Vimeo.

Please Exit the Ride to Your Left...

...and remember to take all of your belongings with you. Yes, the ride is over! A visit with my N-O (Neuro-Ophthalmologist) yesterday brought us the medical answers we had been searching for - I had a stroke. There is lots of medical speak in the Radiologist's report from my CTA but what it breaks down to is that I have a Dissection in my ICA, which is my Internal Carotid Artery. The ICA is in your brain and not your neck. My N-O explained it to the strokes for idiots students yesterday as the two parts of my vessel separated and caused a 50 to 60% blockage in my ICA. That in turn caused some "turbulence" in my blood flow resulting in the stroke to my optic nerve. It is pretty rare and I am very blessed that the stroke went to my optic nerve and NOT to my brain. The N-O explained that if the stroke had gone to my brain there most likely would have been much more drastic results. So I never thought I would be thankful for my vision loss, but today I am extremely grateful. I still have the blockage so we are on alert for any stroke symptoms but the N-O believes that the ICA will heal itself in time and I will be able to ride roller coasters again before too long.

Thank you God for bringing the answers to my questions and showing the doctor what the cause of my problem was. Thank you for letting me know that I am not going to go blind and that I will still be able to drive, see my children's faces, see my husband's face, see my grand children's faces, scrapbook, put on makeup, do my hair and all of the other silly things that came to my mind over the past couple of days. Thank you for protecting my brain during my stroke and I ask protection over my ICA until it has completely healed. AMEN!

Roller Coasters

Ask my husband or kids and they will all tell you that I am a huge roller coaster fan. I am the first in line and the last to cry uncle. G Man is my roller coaster buddy - when the ride is over we run around and get in line again. D and G are good for one ride and they are done and RJ is still too short so he is undecided but G Man can always count on me to ride until we drop. I started writing about roller coasters this morning because I decided yesterday on my way home from the 5th doctor I have seen since December that I feel like I am on a roller coaster and for the first time in my life - I WANT OFF!

In the last update I gave, my Neurologist had found my only physical problem to be a B12 deficiency so we started B12 shots given to me lovingly my G every month. Up roller coaster. In a follow up visit with the Neurologist he decided that he was not altogether comfortable with the B12 diagnosis and suggested that I see a Neuro-Ophthalmologist and possibly get a spinal tap to completely rule out MS. I put this off for as long as I could until I had an afternoon of Vertigo. That scared me enough to call and make the appointment. Down roller coaster. So off to see my 4th doctor, the Neuro-Optho...she conducted a visual field test in which the results verified the loss of vision in my left eye and a slight loss starting in my right eye. After a couple of hours with her she informs us that she thinks I might have Glaucoma. Finally! A possible diagnosis that makes sense. When I got home I looked up Glaucoma on Wikipedia and there it was - a picture of how a person with Glaucoma sees and it looks like an exaggerated version of my vision. The N-O doctor schedules some more eye testing with yet another doctor (the 5th doc) and sends me on my way. When I left her office I had a strange sense of relief for someone that had just been told they might have a disease that is the second leading cause of blindness in the world! I was just glad to possibly finally have an answer. Up roller coaster.

To shorten this story (a little) the eye doctor visit yesterday ended with the doc telling me that he doesn't think I have Glaucoma. As a matter of fact, he doesn't see any physical reason in my eyes that I should have the vision loss that I have. He recommended tests on my brain at which time I informed him that I had already pretty much every test on my brain known to man - and some of them twice! He then told me that sometimes we have physical problems that cannot be explained medically. He said doctors don't really like that explanation any more than patients do. Down roller coaster.

It's not that I wanted to have Glaucoma, it's just that I wanted some answers. I am afraid that I will go blind and never know why. And there you have it.

I have a follow up appointment with the N-O doctor on Monday to see what she has to say about all of this. I am praying that she won't give up until we have some answers and can bring the ride to an end.

Lordy, Lordy the Princess is 40!

So the sign welcoming me to my surprise 40th birthday party announced! I kinda knew something was up but had no idea of the scope of my friends imaginations. The invitations were rolled scrolls sent in tubes to all invitees and the theme was Renaissance and all were to come in costume. Most everyone at the party came in some sort of costume and if you didn't come in one, my friends provided you with a tiara at the door. Since I knew something was up, I shopped the week before and got some awesome new jeans and a new top and sweater from my favorite White House Black Market. I got to wear my sweet new outfit for all of 1 minute at the party and then my friends promptly dressed me in MY costume for the party! It was a lovely purple crushed velvet dress with silver lame sleeves. I was greeted at the door by a couple of presents - my cousin (and the closest thing I had to a sister when I was younger) from L.A. and a good friend from Montana had come just for the party. My amazement continued as I wandered through the house to find almost all of my friends and loved ones were there. The party was complete with a caterer, a bartender, a princess cake, a chocolate fountain (you haven't lived until you have eaten a chocolate dipped twinkie!) and what seemed like hundreds of candles and jewels covering every surface of my friend's house. It was the best party I have ever been to! You know it must be a good party when a couple of people decide to jump into the unheated pool in mid February. I can't imagine how they would ever be able to top this one. Here I am with the princess cake..

I have to say Thank You to my friends and my hubby for the best 40th birthday party ever!